Friday, April 15, 2011

Staying positive

Staying positive in the face of adversity is...difficult.

Medication helps.

I mean it reallllyyyyy helps. As does counseling and therapy. I've known people who have stigmas attached to antidepressants and to any kind of mental health action. We see a Doctor when our bodies hurt, we see our Priest/Rabbi/Pastor when our Soul is in need. The mind is just as important. We take a pill for blood pressure, a pill for cholesterol so why not a pill for a chemical imbalance in the brain? The mind, body and soul are connected. We need to nurture and care for all parts. Which is where I say that I am on medication which assists me with my imbalance in my brain.

I have a family history of depression. Both sides. Despite this, my parents raised me to pick myself up after every fall and keep going. They raised me to be a fighter. I mean what is the alternative? I'm not going to curl up in a corner, but there are a lot of days I would LOVE to pull the covers back over my head.

Prior to my 'chandelier moment', I had suffered from some post partum depression after the birth of my second child. I was already on medication when I became "close" with the wrought iron monstrosity. As with most post concussive syndrome cases, my emotions were affected. I didn't feel 'right', I wasn't me and I didn't know if I was ever going to return. When was 'normal' going to happen again? I was frustrated, angry and feeling out of my usual control. My primary care physician increased my medication. I also increased my appointments with my counselor who I had been seeing since 2008. A pill is not the cure....still have to do the work, to look at the truth and to try really hard every day to be better than yesterday. The medication gave me a base to work from.

A lifetime ago, in the first instance that medication was ever suggested to me, the physician said," Due to life events, the floor was ripped out from under you. The medication will give you something to stand on from which to deal with the issues." My medication gives me a base, a focus to stand on without being distracted by the serious ugliness of depression.

Staying Positive..... Medication does do puppy dogs, rainbows, laughing kids, lollipops and a brand new CD. Of course, one of my favorites that I keep with me at all times is Juicy Fruit gum.
Awesome stuff....ever been truly upset chewing gum?
Yepper.....calms me right down.
I need all the help I can get which is why I am not ashamed to say that I take medication.
And I see a counselor.
And I am a proud chewer of Juicy Fruit gum.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Time Frame

"So, are you fully healed?"

This was a question that I have been asked a few times and I have replied with my stock answer of, "I don't know." It has almost been 9 months since my 'encounter' and this seemingly gestational cycle is giving way to a new me. This "unseen injury" is a journey in which I have no map. I am continuing to learn my limits along with new abilities.  No one has any answers as to how my healing will progress. This of course, frustrates the crap out of me and gives me levels of self consternation that surprises me.

I have come up with two analogies to best explain me and my brain.

1. To borrow from Star Trek, everyone around me is at Warp Factor 8 with their thinking, rationalizing and verbal skills. I seem to be at Warp Factor 1 and on bad days, I manage to be on impulse power.

2. My brain is rewiring itself. Not the exact same way as before, DIFFERENTLY. My thought processes are different, my interpretive skills are different and my emotion chip is different as well. 

Due to the above- I may appear to be physically the same person before the 'encounter', but I am not. I've had to come to an understanding with this Brain of mine. Healing will take as long as it takes and in whatever form it takes. This doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated. What can be so frustrating is remembering how my brain used to work and knowing that it does not function like that - now.

Day by day, step by step, easy does it.
Inhale Exhale and let it go.