Friday, February 18, 2011

Listening to my voice

"Let go or be dragged."
This was a bumper sticker that my husband quoted to me the other day. It gave me something to think about. I turn ideas and thoughts over in my head for a few days- chew them over mentally. I've always done this- it seems to be more prevalent since I now have issues with getting out of my head and speaking. Letting is a recurring theme in my life. I know everyone has to deal with this. There are manuals and discourses on how to let go, move on, deal with loss. There are Self help manuals, Dummy guides for just about everything that one goes through in life. You take a chapter from this one, a paragraph from that one and find what works for you because we all are different.

Change, Loss, Letting go....
17 years ago, when my parents died, I fought against the grief. I beat my hands bloody against that brick wall too many times. I wanted to push through the pain, the loss, the agony of losing two essential people in my life. I wanted to hurry it along and get through to the other side. It wasn't until I gave myself permission to feel, to let it take as long as it was going to take, that the healing began. And what I learned- is that no - you never get over the loss of losing someone, something. You just learn to live with it. It is a scar that is etched on your heart and soul.

So here I write at what seems to be my magic hour, Midnight. I had a B.F.O while I was trying to go to sleep. (B.F.O.= Blinding Flash of the Obvious)
I remembered the bumper sticker and remembered how I dealt with the loss of my parents. I am in a time of healing, with no known time frame for possible recovery. The unknown scares the crap out of me and of course, I respond with my usual stubbornness and Irish temper and put up my fists. With my B.F.O. I realize that I've wasted enough time fighting against the process of healing. It's time I fight for myself. I need to let go of the past, of holding on too tightly to what my brain was before my concussion. This is my new brain. It is rewiring itself and works differently - BUT IT STILL WORKS.

"Life is a one way street. No matter how many detours you take, none of them leads back. And once you accept that, life becomes much simpler. Because then you know you must do the best you can with what you have and what you are and what you have become." -Isabel Moore

No comments:

Post a Comment