I had fought for so very long. I had struggled to return to 'What was' before I stood up beneath that Blasted chandelier. Desperate to reverse time to when my skull didn't ache, to a time when I was migraine free.
Oh - How I began to detest you, my dear Brain. Everyone said that I had to be patient, that it would take time. I discovered, that while I am amazingly patient with everyone else, my husband, my children, my family, my friends- I an Not patient with myself. THIS..was not something I could push my way through. I've overcome a lot in my life. I've met challenges head on, but this unseen injury, laid me low.
Some of the words I would use to describe you Brain are Splintered, Fractured and Altered. It has been seven months since that day. There is no doubt that I have progressed. I am no longer dizzy every day. I no longer have to wear sunglasses constantly. My stamina for activities have increased tremendously and I do not stammer except when exhausted. We've become a team, my Brain and I. It took a while and I still have my moments.
Instead of fighting so hard to return to what was, I've had to come to the realization that this is it. Right now - today - is what my Brain is- how it works and doesn't work. We've had to figure out new ways to work with what I've got. I do my best to write everything down. There is a pad of paper everywhere: bathroom, by the bed, in my purse. There is a dry erase board in the kitchen and I have a Covey planner.
I have to be the most honest I've ever had to be in my life with myself and with my husband. This effects and affects us all. I have to take time to center my self. This is a tough thing to do with two children under the age of five at home. Brain and I have become an expert at centering with deep breaths, a banana and a cup of coffee.
In the moments of centering, I've realized that I can't fight myself any more. I don't want to go back to who I was before my 'Chandelier Moment'. I've had to slow down, to savor life a tad more. I've become a little weirder but hey- I lost that filter that just doesn't care any more what those 'other' people think. I'm too busy embracing what I have and being thankful.